Two Sides of the Same Couch: Making Space for Both

by Sidney Zhu

Often, life pushes us to experience conflicting emotions simultaneously. For example,

have you ever noticed yourself feeling excited about a new transition while also feeling scared of change? ​Maybe part of you feels hopeful about the future, while another part feels hopeless. Or ​maybe you might want to start setting boundaries, but also feel guilty about doing so.​ If anyof those scenarios sound familiar, you're not alone. 

Experiencing moments like this, when two feelings seem to clash yet occur at the same

time, is part of the human experience. As humans, our lives are complex, full of intricacies and unique experiences that make each of us who we are. That said, our emotions naturally reflect those experiences or move alongside them, with their own complexities and nuances. This feeling of conflicting emotions, also called ambivalence, often occurs throughout life, especially in therapy.​ You might find yourself saying, “I really want to change, but I am also exhausted by the idea of change.” Processes involving change, healing, and self-reflection naturally bring up feelings, usually a mix of them.​ Even if feelings or ideas clash, they can ​also be true at the same time. Both feelings make sense, and both emotions deserve space. 

We often struggle with the assumption that if we experience different emotions, one must

be wrong. Recognizing and accepting both feelings can be important for healing and growth. Instead, try checking in with yourself to explore those feelings further and understand what information they're trying to tell you. Maybe one of those feelings is connected to your hopes or goals, while others provide protection and safety​ from past experiences. Both feelings are understandable, and we don’t have to dismiss one to make room for the other. Making space for the entire experience​ helps to validate all parts of yourself, not just the parts you feel are“acceptable.”​ 

Many people see ambivalence as a lack of progress or resistance to change,

but ​experiencing that push-and-pull feeling between emotions ​can provide us with information and insights about ourselves, or perhaps about what is shifting. It might feel like your mind and heart are trying to get on the same page or catch up with each other. Another example of ambivalence is you might find yourself saying, “I don’t think anything will ever change,” but also showing up to therapy, talking, and trying. This is a form of hope and change, whether or not you may recognize it.

Small shifts in language can also be powerful. Instead of dismissing certain feelings or

emotions, or feeling like one is necessarily wrong, try saying, “It makes sense that part of me

feels this, and part of me feels that.” Or try, “I can feel this, and still be okay.” Some other

techniques include journaling about the different feelings to increase exploration and reflection. Additionally, it may be helpful to engage in mindfulness practices, including grounding or breathing techniques, to observe your feelings from a nonjudgmental stance and to accept the various emotions as part of the process or journey. Moving toward acceptance of these conflicting parts can increase compassion and empathy for yourself and your experiences, reducing some of that self-judgment. Our emotions, as complicated as they can be or as uncomfortable as some may feel, are valid and often try to tell us something about ourselves or what matters to us.

It isn’t necessarily always about choosing one or the other. Sometimes, it’s about

accepting and making room for all the different, conflicting, complex, yet beautiful parts of our lives. Increasing that flexibility within yourself and allowing yourself the grace to be human and experience conflicting, sometimes uncomfortable feelings, can help you live alongside your experiences. If you find yourself sitting on “two sides of the same couch,” remember that both sides are welcome in life and in the therapeutic space. These experiences can provide opportunities for deeper exploration at your own pace and comfort level. Learning to hold space for both sides and to sit with discomfort can create opportunities for insight, awareness, or growth.