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  • Jo Flannery, MFT, Clinical Sexologist

A Sexy Secret

Want to know a sexy secret? Get excited. Are you ready? Here it comes! Spending too much time with your intimate partner(s), being too close, kills sexual desire. If you and your intimate partner(s) are not having sex, try taking some space. Plan an activity with a friend. Go to dinner alone, or whatever you’d like, but do it sans your partner(s). Give yourselves time to miss each other. Know they have a life outside of your relationship, and they have thoughts, desires and wants you do not know about. You do not desire what you believe have. We believe we have our partners, but we don’t. They are their own person. Let them be who they are, and you be who you are. Find balance between yourself and your relationship and there will be more space for sexual desire.

Not sexy enough? Talk with your partner(s) and take it a step further: Plan to meet your partner(s) on Friday night someplace like a bar or a coffee shop. Don’t talk the entire day of and when you walk into the venue act as strangers. Watch each other from across the room for twenty minutes or so. Have a beverage. Watch your partner interact with other people. Then approach each other as if you’ve never done so before. Notice how you’re feeling. Are you excited? Are you nervous? Roleplaying can feel silly at first, but once you get past the initial giggles it can be fun and inciting. The goal of the exercise is not sex. The goal is to notice what you feel and when. When were you feeling yourself? When were you most attracted to your partner? Have fun with it and enjoy the evening! When you reflect on the night think of how use your newfound understanding of sexual desire based on closeness and separateness from your partner. The sexy secret is that it’s all about balance.

Your resident sexologist,


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